Thursday, April 21, 2016

Depression, Deschmession

When I first had the twins, my awesome church community group leader visited me at home and came to visit with the babies. While she was here, she asked a question that I hadn't been asked since having my twins. I had to stop and think about my answer for a second, but when I did, I got all the warm fuzzies inside. 

She asked if I experienced any depression since my twins were born.


I honestly hadn't thought about it throughout my whole pregnancy and post-partum. But you know what...I haven't been depressed AT ALL!

Definitely a difference from my other two pregnancies. I distinctly remember being miserable both those times. So I know what depression is like, both while you are pregnant, and for months and months after.

When my daughter was born, her father and I didn't have the best relationship, so there was that to be depressed about. And then I was also very possessive of her and didn't want anyone else to be around her. I felt like people would try to take her away from me. It was a really weird feeling, and it made me really unhappy and depressed. Not to mention exhausted. Since I was the only one who could be around her, of course I was the only one I wanted to take care of her. Who can keep up with that?!?! Of course I realize now how unrealistic and unfounded those fears were, but at the time, they were all too real.

I was really depressed with Brayden too, but for totally different reasons. I wanted another girl. It really was as simple as that. Jazz was 11 at the time, and I lovingly remembered all the dress-up sessions we had and daily cuddle sessions we shared. Oh how I missed those times. So when I was pregnant six years ago, it was all I could think about. When I found out I was having a boy at my 20 week ultrasound, it took me into a depression so bad, I get chills thinking about it now.

I hate sports.

How will I relate to a boy?

Boys are messy.

Those thoughts, and so much other nonsense, flooded my brain back then that I was consumed by them...and didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all. To this day I feel bad about how I felt and of course realize how stupid I was.

Brayden is the best!

And, of course, now I have a 17-year-old girl so I can say from first-hand experience that I will take the messy, non-cuddling boy over the moody and dramatic teenager any day!

Judging by my past experience with depression, I'm surprised that it never even crossed my mind this time around. I truly believe that "last baby (or babies in my case) syndrome" has hit me hard and I find myself cherishing even the messiest of moments. Spit up in my hair - no problem! Awake every hour at night - pure bliss! Diaper explosions - YAY!

It's astonishing, really, how elated I have been this entire time. Moments that, years ago, would have had me sobbing in the corner of the darkest room in the house are now met with a hug and a smile.

Crazy, huh?

I want - no, need - to be fully present for the last "firsts" I'll ever get to witness in my children.

The last first cry.

The last first smile.

The last first tooth.

The last first step. 

Moments that, undoubtedly, will bring a tear to my eye when I think of them for as long as I live.

So depression, deschmession. I'm not having it. Not this time, anyway. I'm going to hold, and rock, and soothe these babies with a smile on my face and pure love in my heart every single day.

After all, it's the very last time.


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